okay, mommas, i need your input.
i'm reading parenting your internationally adopted child by the adoption guru (you know, ms. patty cogen). i know, it's about time, right? i am admittedly a procrastinator and am now frantically trying to read through the book before choi boy comes home!
the book has some really great insight and i'm learning a lot.
but, the thing is, as great as the book is, parts of it also scare the pants off me! i've been told to take the book with a grain of salt, but still...the parts that scare me the most are the parts about attachment and adjustment (so, pretty much the whole book!).
i know that it's going to be hard. and i know that there is going to be a considerable amount (a LOT) of grieving and adjusting on choi boy's part, as well as a lot of adjusting on our part. i know that things are likely going to be ROUGH for a quite a bit. i also know that there will be moments of great joy that will balance out these more difficult ones, but that does not make the hard moments less scary. (at least right now.)
now, the best part of blogging has been finding an amazing community of people who have traveled this road ahead of us and know what we might be facing in the coming weeks and months. i am sincerely grateful for your wisdom and your experience and for coaching us along as we travel in your footsteps.
so dear friends, i am going to call upon your wisdom and experience and ask you help me out. is patty right? is the attachment period going to be super duper hard??? for years? and no sugar-coating...give it to me straight.
and, if this is too personal a subject for you to comment on, no worries, i totally get that, too!
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I will be interested to hear the responses you get. I think the only answer I can give you is: it varies. Be prepared for anything. I adopted a 2.5 year old whose personality traits included stubborn and controlling before the adoption. I do believe the adoption really intensified those traits. While I have the opinion that he is totally bonded to me, and he did so fairly quickly (much more quickly than I bonded to him), that does not mean that he doesn't still feel the trauma of what he endured every day. We watched a particular video together the other day and he sobbed in grief. I appreciate that he can trust me with those feelings. Sometimes they manifest themselves as sadness, sometimes as anger and rage. I have friends who have experienced an entire spectrum. 2 year old twins from an orphanage in Russia who have made a seamless transition. An 8-month old from China who is just now (at the age of 6) showing that she has a lot of issues to work through. A 6-month old adopted from Vietnam, who at the age of 9 still panics when it is time to transition to winter or summer clothes because he hates change.
ReplyDeleteThe only advice is to be prepared for anything. And if things go great from the beginning, that's wonderful! But always be watchful and ready to address certain behaviors, fears, etc. I really believe this is a lifelong journey for us and our children.
I know you will be able to handle this transition with love and compassion!
Here's the quotation I kept on my fridge during our adoption process: "For anyone who is in fear of the monsters that may be lurking around the corners of adoption, yes, as with anything, there are monsters to be conquered and there is the potential that they could gobble us up, which makes our actions so much more important. But please consider for a moment that as you are reading this, there is a child who is battling very real monsters alone. And imagine that when you make the commitment to take up arms, side by side with the child, how many unnecessary scars you can, as a family, prevent."
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure if that helps... it did me. It helped me put all the adoption reading in perspective a bit, especially when I questioned if I was doing the right thing.
Yes, there are challenges with adoption. Our son came home at 3 months old, so attachment wasn't a huge one. Hopefully others will chime in to share their stories as they specifically related to attachment. But we have had ours challenges, and my sense is that yes, some of them related to adoption. But here's the thing: 1. Parenting in general is hard. And it's SCARY. Every parent struggles to balance the dream with what they had imagined with the reality of what is in front of them. It's important to know this because then you don't feel so alone when it happens to you. 2. It is so, so, so worth it. And so much easier to deal with the scary and the hard when you have living breathing child in front of you who needs you to be his mama. And soon you will.
My advice? Keep reading until you know the basics of what to expect and until you have a game plan in place for what to do when/if certain things happen. Even when you hear the stories of others, they will vary greatly and so it won't really tell you what will happen in your case. So you really just need to know the range of what could happen. Then put the book away for a while and concentrate on your beautiful little boy waiting for you to bring him home.
Okay. Sorry. That was probably a bit of sugar-coating, which you specifically asked me to not do. Pondering deleting the comment....but I'll leave it out there in the hope that helped a little. :)
Becca
I agree with both Elizabeth and Becca. The quote Adam and I live by is "hope for the best, but be prepared for the worst." We've been through adoption twice now, and with VERY different experiences each time. Olive was 9 months when we got her, and we expected an easy transition, but we dealt with over 1 1/2 years of attachment problems, and frankly we still do. I think we *always* will with her. Ingrid came home at 19 months and while her attachment seemed smooth at the beginning, we're seeing some issues now, and I can only presume we'll see more as she grows up. But the thing with Ingrid is that we've seen a LOT more grieving, as well as lots of undesirable behaviors she acquired while in foster care that we've been painstakingly trying to undo over the past 5 months. And I won't lie to you - it's FREAKING HARD. There are days when I just don't know if I can handle it. But like Becca said, it's so worth the hard work. I can't imagine life without my girls.
ReplyDeleteI have not read the particular book you mentioned, but I've read plenty of others. Yes, a lot of adoption/attachment books scare the bejesus out of you, but I think that's a good thing. Too many people approach adoption with a rosy, perfect view, and it's far from perfect. I think emotionally and mentally preparing yourself with all the reading is crucial.
Yes, it's wonderful when your child is finally home, but it's far from perfect - read my posts after Ingrid came home!
I also invite you to read my really old posts after Olive came home, both on my blog and the AMP blog (let me know if you need that address and password). We struggled a LOT with attachment and family members that did not support our parenting approach.
And ALWAYS feel free to ask me anything - I will give it to you 100% straight, both the good and bad. There were times (and still are) when I've felt (and feel) completely alone in the emotions I experience as a mama, and reaching out to other mamas is the smartest thing you can do to maintain your sanity :)
I agree with both Elizabeth and Becca. The quote Adam and I live by is "hope for the best, but be prepared for the worst." We've been through adoption twice now, and with VERY different experiences each time. Olive was 9 months when we got her, and we expected an easy transition, but we dealt with over 1 1/2 years of attachment problems, and frankly we still do. I think we *always* will with her. Ingrid came home at 19 months and while her attachment seemed smooth at the beginning, we're seeing some issues now, and I can only presume we'll see more as she grows up. But the thing with Ingrid is that we've seen a LOT more grieving, as well as lots of undesirable behaviors she acquired while in foster care that we've been painstakingly trying to undo over the past 5 months. And I won't lie to you - it's FREAKING HARD. There are days when I just don't know if I can handle it. But like Becca said, it's so worth the hard work. I can't imagine life without my girls.
ReplyDeleteI have not read the particular book you mentioned, but I've read plenty of others. Yes, a lot of adoption/attachment books scare the bejesus out of you, but I think that's a good thing. Too many people approach adoption with a rosy, perfect view, and it's far from perfect. I think emotionally and mentally preparing yourself with all the reading is crucial.
Yes, it's wonderful when your child is finally home, but it's far from perfect - read my posts after Ingrid came home!
I also invite you to read my really old posts after Olive came home, both on my blog and the AMP blog (let me know if you need that address and password). We struggled a LOT with attachment and family members that did not support our parenting approach.
And ALWAYS feel free to ask me anything - I will give it to you 100% straight, both the good and bad. There were times (and still are) when I've felt (and feel) completely alone in the emotions I experience as a mama, and reaching out to other mamas is the smartest thing you can do to maintain your sanity :)
That book is indeed the bible. But I have to admit that I've only glanced through it. I do intend to read it completely but I think it's one of those books where you will pick it up at difference stages of C's life. As you may know, the First Year Home group we attend was started by Ms. PC herself (who lives here in Seattle) so we talk a lot about the concepts in the book and they are very helpful. Check out the parts on the stress-shaped brain in particular. I think it's great that you are preparing yourself for grieving and attachment issues. I've been pretty open on my blog about Max's grieving in the beginning. It was soooo sad and soooo hard to watch and know that there was nothing we could do -- except hug him and love him. But grieving is a natural process and frankly I would have been worried if he DIDN'T grieve the loss of his foster family. So even though your heart will break for him, please know that in the long run it is good for C to feel these emotions and work through them now. Because they will come out eventually anyway and if not now then they might pop in a weird way as a teenager!! My advice (for what it's worth) is read what you can now but when C comes home just follow your heart. Your mama instincts will kick in and believe me, you will just know how to comfort your son. Like the folks above have already said, each child reacts differently to The Big Change (Patti Cogen's term) so you will just have to wait and see. Just know that we are here for you when you need to reach out for support. I don't know what I would have done without my bloggy friends during this transition period. They rock.
ReplyDeletePS - When the time is right and you are settled in with C, I can talk to you more about something our FYH group recommended we do, which is make a story board for Max to tell him the story of his Big Change. We were so worried to show him photos of the day he was handed over to us - there were some very sad photos of the handover - we were ALL crying. But having him process what happened has been a good thing, trust me.
ReplyDeleteI read that book too Grace, and yes, I was a quivering mass afterwards. Actually had to quit reading it and that is what prompted my need to chase after some "happily ever after" books/blogs. I think when you tackle that book in the waiting stage, there are so many uncertainties and that kind of honesty, while there is a place for it, only fueled my fears and sent me into sheer panic.
ReplyDeleteI love Becs quote! That is going on our fridge today. I am counting on the fact that we are resourceful and loving people, and no matter what our child's challenges/issues with attachment and adjustment might be, I do have faith that we have the wherewithall to figure out what to do, and the love and commitment to get us through it.
At least that's my game plan! Thanks for putting up this question and I'm looking forward to all the wisdom from mommies who have gone before us.
Hi Grace, I'm one of the new members of your blog. I, like you, am an elementary school teacher. I have two boys (one adopted from Korea, one by birth) and both of their entrances into our family were a bit rough. I also really struggled with reading all of the literature. I know everyone says to take pieces of things from each book, but a lot of the books have to have something in there that is true otherwise they wouldn't all be scary! And parenting in general is SCARY. Our son grieved very heavily from the beginning. It is one of the hardest things that I've *ever* had to watch, so I can only imagine his perspective. He did not struggle with attachment though. He attached to me before he attached to DH, which is something that you can read about in those books.
ReplyDeleteOne of the harder things for me (and I'm not sure about your perspective) is that I deal with all different types of children every day. Some have great families and some do not. BUT, they all thrive with structure, routine, love and consistency. I did this with our son and through the weeks, you could visually see him relax and his coping mechanisms weakened. I also put a picture of him with his foster mom on our fridge and we talked about her every day. He giggled for the first time at 3 months home, he laughed and smiled more than he cried by 4 months home. At almost 6 months home, he is more of a "typical" 16 month old. One of the major things that we see is his reaction to change (which he doesn't do well with!).
Parenting an adopted child is different in that your baby has known an unsafe environment. And that "unsafe" environment is technically YOU, which is really hard to stomach. But over time, you will become the "safe" and "known" place for him ~ his mom and dad. I found SO much support with my bloggy friends, I honestly don't know if I could have done it without them. Just keep writing, we'll keep encouraging!
I just had to chime in and say that you are clearly on the EXACT same time line that I'm on. I'm reading that book too!! Same reaction...
ReplyDeleteFor us, the initial grieving was one of the hardest things to go through. Joel was 13.5 mo when he came home and the first few nights of trying to comfort a baby who is looking at you with terrified eyes and crying for "umma" was heartbreaking...I called an adoptive mama friend in the morning b/c I had spent the night feeling like a kidnapper.
ReplyDeleteThe things that are tough for us now, with him being home about 4 months now and being 17 months old is the behavior issues. I think he is just acting out as a normal 1.5 year old but I think because I personally don't feel 100% secure in my relationship with him and I don't know if he does with me, I struggle with knowing if it's ok to discipline, how to discipline, wondering if he's acting out because of some underlying attachment issue or just being a 1.5 year old boy...
Through the community of adoptive moms out there who have been so helpful, I am learning that this attachment is going to be a lifelong journey and I am letting go of my expectation of wanting it to happen overnight.
Don't be afraid to vent, cry, be frustrated, and scared when the transition starts...we're here for you!
Well, you know our story. Ben had a really tough time when he first came home. We couldn't put him down, he had to be in the Beco about 90% of the time he was awake. The screaming was awful. I read all the books and in my head I understood what was going on (how could he not be scared out of his mind?), but it was still really hard to deal with. Add on top of him being unhappy, we couldn't go anywhere for 3 months. He would go ballistic in the cars seat or stroller and God forbid someone looked at him.
ReplyDeleteWe had big milestones at 1 month, 3 months, and 6 months home where you could really tell that he was getting more comfortable. At 7 months home, he is still adjusting. I really expect this to be a lifelong process for my little man. Like Grace I also struggle with knowing what is typical toddler behavior and what is adoption/attachment related and finding a way to deal with behavior issues.
Before my first son came home over 5 years ago, I started reading Deborah Gray's Attaching in Adoption. That was a mistake. It scared the living crap out of me: I am a panicker and worrier, and I was not yet a parent so I had no context. I put that book away and instead read smaller essays and articles so that I knew what resources were available in case I needed help. His transition at 6 months of age was smooth sailing.
ReplyDeleteLast year, my 2nd son arrived home at 20 months. With 4 years of parenting under my belt and less prone to freakouts, and knowing that adopting a toddler can be a whole different kettle of fish, I read Toddler Adoption: the Weaver's Craft. It is scary but hopeful, and I was glad I read it. I also read the Adoption Parenting tool-kit book. These books were more helpful to me (than Gray's was), but also I was just in a different place with the 2nd adoption.
When my 2nd son arrived home, the transition was pretty smooth (we had a few rough nights but no nightmares, no screaming) and he LIKED us all right from the start. But for the first few months months I got the sense that he'd have been fine if he had to move again. And that's OK - it's a GREAT survival tool for him. Now, one year later, we are very strongly attached. Might problems crop up later? Maybe. But for now, he is exactly where I wished he would be as far as attachment goes. Strong, secure, and healthy, and for us, it frankly wasn't that hard. it just developed naturally from spending every day together. I didn't really have to DO anything out of the ordinary. (Well -- I am still sleeping in his room.)
So. Read these books if you want to have in your head an idea of what kinds of things MIGHT happen so they don't take you by surprise. Prepare for the worst, hope for the best, but know that the best really does happen sometimes. It happened for us twice.
Given Spencer's personality, we had a really easy transition in the beginning. Like "how can this be going so well"?! Yes, there was some grieving, but nothing like what we were expecting. We got lucky. I guess. We actually fear that Spencer was *too* easy going. But at three months home?! WHOA. I can't even talk about it because it makes my stomach hurt. (I'd be more than happy to chat offline though if you really want... I just can't put it into black and white...) Not grieving, but FULL ON attachment/anxiety/freak outs. And I had gotten comfortable in my cocoon of bliss, so I was completely caught off-guard.
ReplyDeleteAt almost 18 months home we still go through attachment issues occassionally, which isn't really surprising... but also really reassuring. Starting school was a big milestone (obviously) that brought out a lot of insecurity on everyone's parts... but we are working through it, and I do think we'll be in a better place in the end.
I guess what I am trying to say (and failing) is that it varies from kid to kid... and may even catch you off guard at times. We've definitely gone through some ROUGH times attachment-wise, but we always come out so far ahead, that in hindsight I don't mind them.
Those first few weeks are tough. Matthew was 14 months old when we brought him home and I had myself convinced that the older they were the harder the "big change" would be. Now I thinking that it has a lot to do with the personality of the child versus the age. Matthew did pretty well. The grieving was really tough. We learned that the sound of one cry and the grieving cry were totally different. I remember crying with tears in my eyes watching him grieiving. I think the hardest part for me was that he didn't want anything to do with me for the first few weeks. I wanted to comfort him and hold him but he just wanted my husband. So I had to back off and let him come to me. I did all the fun stuff and I sang songs to him from far away. He eventually got closer and closer and felt comfortable with me.
ReplyDeleteThe good moments will outway the bad for sure!!
I agree with everyone else. Every child is different. We are here for you!!!
oh i love this post Grace! i'm going to have to come back and read all the responses you got..make mental notes and pick up that book you are reading! i'll be back...;)
ReplyDeleteIt is such a tough balance, educating and preparing yourself w/o becoming completely terrified and full of dread. I think its important to be realistic and to fully accept the grief that comes along w/adoption, but I think its equally as important to remember that the transition home is a transition - its something you will work through as a family over time.
ReplyDeleteWe've adopted twice, with two very different experiences. Both our boys were approx. 10 months old and both had been with foster families, but our oldest son had a really rough transition and our youngest settled in pretty smoothly. I think so much depends on the child's personality.
Here's my best advice:
*Cocoon - give your choi boy time to grow comfortable w/his new home and the people who live there. Visitors can wait.
*Set up a predictable routine
*Accept that whatever your son's reaction to the change, its not a refection of your capabilities as a mother.
*Reach out the other adoptive parents for support and advice
There may be rough days ahead, but they are worth it.
I was SO worried about attachment before Joel came home, too. That was definitely my biggest worry about bringing him home based on things I had heard and read. Joel adjusted very well, but he is an easy-going boy and had just turned 8 months, which I think made his transition a little easier. Even though I feel secure that he is strongly attached, I still get moments of worry about it. What I learned is that attachment is a process, not an event. I was expecting to have a specific time where I would say that Joel was fully attached. But it didn't really happen that way. It was a gradual thing and we noticed progress all the time. When I would worry about attachment, that always gave me comfort in knowing that it was a process and a journey and could still be worked on. I know that you will do everything Choi Boy needs to ease his transition. I hope all these comments help your worry!
ReplyDeleteWe talked about this before, and of course I haven't adopted yet so I don't really count, but I can tell you that there were several times that I said, yeah but - my child does that! So I know it's not always an adoption issue, sometimes it is. I'm sure it will be hard, parenting is hard work, but it will be worth it. And you're going to be a great Mom and do what you need to do for your child. I think that's the bottom line - before hand it's scary, but once your child is there you go into Mom mode and you do what you need to do!
ReplyDeleteI think you need to take some of the attachment and adoption material with a grain of salt. The one thing that I didn't like about that book is that it mostly deals with older kids in orphanages. Choi boy will be older, but he's not 3 and he has been in a very loving environment. That being said...the grieving is very real. I could only hold Gabe standing up for the first days home...it was exhausting. The cry is horrible too. In fact whenever he gets that cry again (very rarely, like if he gets really hurt) I call it "korea crying" cuz it is so heartbreaking.
ReplyDeleteYou really have to gauge how CB is when he gets home. We actually did a version of CIO about a week after G came home and he fell asleep the 3rd night and is an awesome sleeper and is VERY attached. Most experts say you absolutely cannot do that, but for us it worked. And Gabe is fine. I'm not recommending everyone do that, but we KNEW it was right for him, since he literally would not sleep any other way.
You are good with kids and will know.
There is a 99% chance the first week or so will be horrible. But it does get better as time passes.
I agree with Kristen too...cocoon in the beginning so he feels comfortable in his new home.
Lots of great thoughts! I agree that each child is different and each attachment and grieving process is different. And the resources I had weren't all that useful when I was in the midst of it - I found my social worker was a much better resource if needed. So if you have a good relationship with your SW, don't be afraid to call and ask questions. I also agree that staying home, limiting visitors, limiting the new things for CB for the first couple weeks is important. We got outside for walks but not in places or at times when a lot of other people would be around. We almost always carried our child in the ergo when we were out and about - for weeks/months. We just focused on our child (or children) and I think that helped all of us. And whatever you can do to help you all get sleep is vital. No one functions well without sleep.
ReplyDeleteThe last thing I'll say is that I freaked out about a number of things the first week each child was home. Especially food, sleep, etc. Give it time. It takes time for them to adjust to everything. Natalie wouldn't eat solid food for a week. Only drank bottles. But we kept trying different things, kept offering things to her, and about a week in, she started eating again. Daniel was very quiet, for months. We knew this wasn't typical but it was his way of adjusting. Now he is as loud as his siblings (well - louder often!).
Give it time and also trust your instincts. You may not know your son as well as his foster parents but you will know him better than anyone else very soon. So trust that.
I am so glad you posted on this because I am curious about the comments too! This a book I pick up and then put down when it makes me want to cry. I also use it as a reference when I want to know more about something. I think I'll come back to it at various points of my "career" to mam of Ada. One of the best things this book has done for me, though, is just to put things in perspective. Having also raised a (relatively "easy") kid from birth I can't help but grow impatient about why things aren't "normal" yet...and then the book reminds me about everthing Ada has been through. It's very grounding. I think you'll be glad you started it when that babe comes home. Hopefully it will be smooth sailing, but it never hurts to be prepared.
ReplyDeleteAnd the Deborah Grey book? Kudos to anyone who can get through it. It's so academic!
Thanks for bringing this up. My husband started reading this book before me and said it was very overwhelming and "scary." Based on his recommendation I never picked it up, but I have heard it is excellent. I hope after you bring your boy home you post about whether or not you think it was helpful/worth getting anxiety over. I tend to overanalyze EVERYTHING, so I'm trying to figure out if I should "go there" with this book and, if so, when, since we are still so early in the process.
ReplyDeleteThe first month home with Kyle was tough. During the day Kyle was a busy body (it was his way of dealing with the change) and at night crying and clinging. It has almost been 8 months now and he still is clingy. I cannot leave the room without him panicking. I agree with Joanne & Kristen about cocooning. We didn't let anybody visit or hold Kyle the first month home. When we went out, I carried him in the ergo. It really helped him attach to us. It was hard, but soooo worth it. I am so in love with Kyle and couldn’t imagine my life without him! Before he came home, I couldn’t imagine not teaching, but now that he is here, I don’t want to miss a single moment:-)
ReplyDeleteHonestly - Alex molded to us pretty nicely. He didn't really have any attachment issues at all. The first few days were rough of course - huge changes for all involved. And the nights during the first couple of weeks were tough due to jet lag and some grieving. The only concern I had was with my in laws being really kissy/huggy with him - even though I had talked with them about reducing such contact before Alex came home.
ReplyDeleteI found that a lot of the international adoption parenting books assume your child is raised in an orphanage - and in Korea they are in foster care. This makes a HUGE difference in bonding/attachment.