the ugly.

yesterday's post covered the happy and sad or, the good and the bad, of us missing choi boy's birthday. today i want to share the unexpected ugly that came along on this day.

i spent the morning reveling in birthday goodness, in a really good place, and at peace with the whole situation. i loved reading the birthday wishes all of you left for choi boy as well as the lovely comments on facebook or via email. i was doing really well.

and then.

we got an email from our program assistant at the agency. i secretly thought it was going to be another happy birthday note, thinking, "oh, how sweet that they realized it was choi boy's birthday today!"

but, no.

instead, this email told us that it was time for us to update our homestudy because it would no longer be valid as is come the end of october.

i was beside myself.

i knew, somewhere in the back of my mind stored with all the other gazillion things the agency tells you, that home studies are only valid for one year and would need to be updated every year thereafter until placement. but i didn't realize that our need for this would creep up on us so soon and so stealthily.

i needed to hold it together because i had to pick up another student, but as i quickly glanced over the email and saw that we needed to update 10 different forms; 2 of which are clearances, 1 that requires physicals for each of us and another which requires us obtaining records, and then quickly calculated that all of these different fees plus the fee for the home study update would bring us to somewhere over $300, it was all i could do not to burst into tears.

i was so sad. and so angry! had choi boy come home when we initially thought he would, or even if he came home in october, this wouldn't be an issue for us! i felt like this email was just taunting me and shoving in my face the fact that choi boy is not yet home and won't be home for still longer.

yuck. yuck. YUCK.

*sigh*.

i know full well that plenty of waiting families have to update their home studies and that in many programs this is absolutely the norm.

but it just felt like were *so* close...and then we get news like this that remind us that we're not.

so, crazy form-filling time, here we come. AGAIN.

and, i want let all of you know that i did have a good cry later in the day. and it was your sweet, sweet comments and emails that really warmed my heart and reminded me that as ugly as this is, we are surrounded by people near and far that love and care for not only us, but for our sweet boy, as well.

from the bottom of my heart, thank you. xoxo.