there are several household chores that i am neglecting right now, but i *need* to get these thoughts down before i forget them and need to be reminded of them yet again...
yesterday, my friend and i went to get massages. it was kind of a new mommy treat and a pick-me-up before i head back to work next week. i had been looking forward to it for weeks. a massage in and of itself is a rare treat for me, so that, coupled with the fact that it would be the first true alone time i had since choi boy came home made it extra special.
but, the whole time i was driving there and the throughout the entire hour of the massage, i couldn't fully relax. i missed my little guy. lots and lots.
but, really, i couldn't relax and slow down because images and words and statistics from the devastation in japan kept racing through my mind.
it is heartbreaking to see yet another natural disaster wreak havoc upon a nation. and it is gut-wrenching to hear about all those who were lost.
and as i lay there on the massage table, i felt so guilty and so selfish. because here i was being pampered, while the other side of the world was just consumed in tragedy.
now, don't get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with pampering yourself. it was just that this "treat" was kind of a culminating smack in the face for me. a wake-up call of sorts.
because you know what?
my life is so good.
and yet, i often fail to see that and i complain so much.
if it isn't one thing, it's another.
when we were waiting for choi boy to come home, my heart ached for him to come home and i felt like everyday was a complaint. now that he's home, i am so utterly grateful to have him in my arms. but you better believe there is complaining when naps are short or tantrums are happening.
and not only do i complain, i worry and stress and fret about things that i should be grateful to even have in my possesion or grasp. i worry and complain about our home and cars. i worry about our possible next adoption. i get stressed about whether we should switch agencies. i worry about whether we should specify the gender for our next adoption.
i worry ALL. the. time. about choi boy. is he transitioning well? is he developmentally where he needs to be? why didn't he get any taller since his last appointment? is he going to FREAK out when i go back to work? does he love us? does he feel safe with us?
do you see? it's like i have so many things i'm complaining about or worrying about that there's hardly any room for anything else.
and that's why i needed this proverbial slap in the face.
because i felt the Lord tugging on my heart strings and telling me to stop. to remember. to love. and to be grateful.
because although i don't know why things like earthquakes happen, they do. and at any moment, an earthquake, be it natural or a personal earthquake of sorts, could rock my world.
and if it does, i don't want to have been complaining when it hits. i want to be loving. and remembering. and being grateful.
and if it does, i don't want to stand in the aftermath complaining. i want to love. and remember. and be grateful.
on the way to church today, i was listening to the radio and the guy reminded the listeners and that "joy doesn't happen to you. joy is found in a Person."
i want to choose to find that joy daily. and not let all those complaints and worries and stresses rob me of that joy. and i don't want to find my joy in my circumstances...i want to find my joy in Jesus and in all that He has blessed me with.
and when i got to church, as if to seal the deal (hello, grace? it's God. pay attention!!), a sister shared in her testimony the following verse. which was another reminder that i want and NEED to find that joy regardless of what i have. or don't have.
"Though the fig tree does not bud
and there are no grapes on the vines,
though the olive crop fails
and the fields produce no food,
though there are no sheep in the pen
and no cattle in the stalls,
yet I will rejoice in the LORD,
I will be joyful in God my Savior.
The Sovereign LORD is my strength;
he makes my feet like the feet of a deer,
he enables me to tread on the heights."
so, friends, if you've gotten through this rambly post and want to help me out, remind me of this. because obviously, i need reminding, seeing as how i'd already tried to remember on my own again and again. if you hear me complain, gently (or not so gently ;), it's up to you) remind me to find and renew that joy and gratitude.
because really, i have so much to be grateful for.
and now this is going to sound stupid and shallow, but i know you're diggin' my robin sparkles outfit.
like, totally. ;)
oh, and the hubs should really be in this picture, but he's still getting over the yuckiness, though he is much better and i am grateful that he is on the mend.