sprinkles on top.

when we were in the thick of our infertility struggles, there were many days when the phrase that reverberated at the front of my mind was, "it's NOT fair!" many, many tears were shed as i sat and repeated this phrase. to me, it was not fair that people like britney spears and teenage girls who had no desire to have a baby seemed to be popping out kids left and right. it seemed so unfair that we had this desire in our hearts, and month after month, year after year, the desire went unfulfilled with seemingly no hope of seeing it come true.

there are definitely still days like this now, but they are fewer and farther between. for sure our adoption process and the closer we get to getting a referral and bringing little choi home has made things easier, but i think i've also come to realize in a clearer and truer way about God's grace and sovereignty.

i mean, by definition, God's grace means that we were given life when we deserved death. so, because of that, anything else is just sprinkles, whipped cream, fudge, and caramel on top (i love me a good ice cream analogy!). if i were to take inventory of all of these "extra" things i have been blessed with in my life, my list would be very long...there is so much to be thankful for and so much that i already have that brings me joy and is beyond what i need.

of course, this is waaaay easier said than done. as i said, there are definitely days when i wallow in sorrow and pity myself, but by when i take the time intentionally think about all that i *do* have, it can get me out of that funk. though, admittedly, a good cry is sometimes very cathartic. :)

through this, i am learning to live by the words that i tell my kindergartners...that fairness isn't about everyone having the same thing, but about everyone having what they need and what is right for them. it's unfair of me to judge britney spears and women who have children that they may not have initially wanted or judge people that i write off as unfit parents. perhaps God is using these little babies to do something great in the lives of their parents and these children are what they need and what is right for them...

i think that realizing this has not in any way diminished our desire for a child, but it has actually made us more thankful for the little sprinkle that will be entering our lives. :) and hopefully that will happen SOON! i know that when we meet the little guy or gal, we will know that he or she is what is fair and right for us.

on a sidenote, mmmm...ice cream...:)