warning: long, rambly, slightly emotional post ahead...
i've mentioned it here and there in passing, but i haven't talked much about it in detail because truthfully, i don't want to think about it in detail. but i've got to bite the bullet and get on with it, because ready or not, it's happening.
yes, it's true, my friends, i am heading back to work this week.
how is it that fourteen weeks can drag on forever when you're waiting for something (you know, like going to pick up your son in korea...), but it goes lightning fast when you're not looking forward to something?? the mysteries of life, my friends.
so, yes. on wednesday, i'll be returning to work.
and i'm having all sorts of crazy mixed feelings about it.
i LOVE my job. so much so that i don't consider it a job but really, a calling. something i was meant to do. i know, i know, cue cheesy music and eye rolling. but seriously, i can't imagine doing anything else. except maybe being on "sesame street" -- how fun would that be?!
i love my school and i love my colleagues and i'm looking forward to connecting with them again. i'm looking forward to recharging and using my teacher-brain and i'm excited to work with my students again.
and this is a big but.
sorry if i got wreckx-n-effect stuck in anyone else's head...;)
i am so worried for this little guy.
photo courtsey of my pal, sandra, from our latest trip to the farm!
these first three months together have gone so unbelieveably well. we've found our new groove as a family of three and have settled into our new normal.
and now, we're throwing a monkey wrench into our happy little routine.
choi boy and i enjoy our mornings together (well, i know that at least i do...) -- we enjoy our slow wake-ups and easing into the day (which may or may not mean we're sometimes in our pajamas until 11). we love meeting up for playdates or running errands pre-nap. and most of all, i love being there to witness all of choi boy's silly antics as well as some of his firsts.
i love sharing random moments like this during our mornings:
with me returning to work, we'll lose those mornings. but, that's not what i'm most concerned about. because i'll be back after a few short hours, and we'll have the afternoons and weekends and school breaks together.
what i'm most concerned about choi boy's processing of this new transition. he has attached really well and it is clear that he knows that we are his parents. he trusts us and knows us and i do believe he loves us. but, i'm not sure how his little mind will initially process what's going on.
choi boy will be attending a home daycare run by the parent of a former student. she is wonderful and we are so happy with our decision to have her care for cb. cb will be one of four children in her care. she provides a very nurturing, educational environment for the kids and also gives them delicious home-cooked meals. (serious holla on that one!)
we did a practice run at daycare this week. i talked to cb about it a lot, but of course, he could only understand so much, if anything at all. i stayed with choi boy the first two days. on the third and fourth day, i stayed for a bit and then left for an hour or two. our childcare provider said that on the first day i left, cb was fine for the first 45 minutes and then when he realized i still hadn't returned, he cried and started looking for me and the hubs. when i got back, he was sitting by himself, hugging mini and listlessly playing with a toy. (he didn't want to play with the other kids or be held by the childcare provider) i called his name and when he saw me, he looked up and burst into tears.
um. my heart was pretty much ripped out of my chest and broken into a million pieces right then and there. i really had to hold it together so i wouldn't lose it and burst into tears myself.
choi boy clung to me and didn't want me to put him down for a good 10 minutes. then it was lunch time, and you all know how my little boy responds to food. he sat and ate and then played for a little longer before left for the day. and he left giving hugs and blowing kisses -- maybe out of relief?! ;)
i was so worried that the next day he'd freak out as soon as we pulled in. but he didn't. he walked up, gave hugs and hellos and settled in to play. i stayed for a bit again and then left. and i could hear him crying as i walked away. whatever was left of my heart from the previous day was shattered again.
when i came back, there weren't any tears, but choi boy definitely wanted to be held and hugged and of course, i was only happy to do so again. lunch time revived his spirits again ;), and he left again on a happy note.
i know it might sound melodramatic, but truly, i worry so much because the last time cb played with some strangers and spent time with them apart from the people he knew, it was *us* and we took him from the only family he knew. so i fear that choi boy will feel like we are abandoning him and leaving him with a new family. and the possibility that he might feel that way just crushes my heart even further.
the hubs is off on mondays, so cb won't be back at daycare again until tuesday for a final "practice" day before i'm officially back to work on wednesday. and i am praying, praying, praying for God's grace upon our transition and that cb will begin to fully understand and trust that i will be back to pick him up each day so that he'll be able to relax and enjoy his time at daycare.
ultimately, i think it will be good for both choi boy and me -- he'll get some great time socializing with other children and i'll have some me-time to recharge before getting back into mommy-mode.
but, for right now, i'm just thinking about getting through this first week.
i may be wearing sunglasses at school all week to hide my puffy, swollen-from-sobbing eyes.
and now it's time for a cute cb picture so this post doesn't end on sad, sad note.