missing.

miss    /mɪs/
–verb (used with object)
1. to fail to be present at or for
2. to notice the absence or loss

i miss my son.

can you miss someone you've never met? someone you've only longed to meet? someone for whom you wait everyday?

i'm going to say yes. because that's how i feel. and that's how i know so many waiting parents feel.

we miss choi boy and want to have him home so badly! we miss his face, we wonder what his laugh sounds like, we miss his smile, we wonder what he'll feel like in our arms...

but, we also feel like we're missing so much. we've already missed his birth and the first 9 months of his life and all the milestones that come along with it.

some people have said things like, "oh, you are so lucky you're going to miss out on all those sleepless nights and all that infant stuff." and "you're doing it right -- i wish someone gave me my baby after he turned one!"

i know they don't mean any harm and they are simply trying to make conversation and make me feel comfortable about the fact that choi boy will be about a year old when he comes home.

but still.

how i long for those sleepless nights and craziness that comes with a newborn! before we thought seriously about starting a family, sleepless nights scared the poop out of me because i love sleep...it is seriously delicious. but after our journey and heartache with infertility, i really longed for that experience because i felt like it was one of those hallmarks of parenthood that earned you a big fat merit badge.

i cannot imagine how hard those first stages of raising an infant are. i am sure that if i was living it right now, i'd be complaining a whole lot and would surely be delirious from having less than 7 hours of sleep each night.

but, correct me if i'm wrong, as hard as those sleepless nights and difficult moments are, they are moments of bonding between parent and child and they are difficult times that you come out of together, stronger for making it through together.

i know that once our little choi boy comes home we will have our own moments of bonding and will have tons more milestones to experience with him. but for now, i have to be okay with and grateful for the fact that he is experiencing all of these milestones with his foster mother. she is the only caregiver choi boy has known and she endured all those sleepless nights with him; was there as he cut his first tooth and for all the pain of teething that comes with it; she is there now as i'm sure he's learning to stand with support and cruise (if he hasn't already). we will forever be indebted to the love and care she has shown our son and we are so blessed that though we have missed these first 9 months, she was there to lovingly experience them with him.

i know all that in my head.

but in my heart?

i miss him so much.