Thursday, June 10, 2010


miss    /mɪs/
–verb (used with object)
1. to fail to be present at or for
2. to notice the absence or loss

i miss my son.

can you miss someone you've never met? someone you've only longed to meet? someone for whom you wait everyday?

i'm going to say yes. because that's how i feel. and that's how i know so many waiting parents feel.

we miss choi boy and want to have him home so badly! we miss his face, we wonder what his laugh sounds like, we miss his smile, we wonder what he'll feel like in our arms...

but, we also feel like we're missing so much. we've already missed his birth and the first 9 months of his life and all the milestones that come along with it.

some people have said things like, "oh, you are so lucky you're going to miss out on all those sleepless nights and all that infant stuff." and "you're doing it right -- i wish someone gave me my baby after he turned one!"

i know they don't mean any harm and they are simply trying to make conversation and make me feel comfortable about the fact that choi boy will be about a year old when he comes home.

but still.

how i long for those sleepless nights and craziness that comes with a newborn! before we thought seriously about starting a family, sleepless nights scared the poop out of me because i love is seriously delicious. but after our journey and heartache with infertility, i really longed for that experience because i felt like it was one of those hallmarks of parenthood that earned you a big fat merit badge.

i cannot imagine how hard those first stages of raising an infant are. i am sure that if i was living it right now, i'd be complaining a whole lot and would surely be delirious from having less than 7 hours of sleep each night.

but, correct me if i'm wrong, as hard as those sleepless nights and difficult moments are, they are moments of bonding between parent and child and they are difficult times that you come out of together, stronger for making it through together.

i know that once our little choi boy comes home we will have our own moments of bonding and will have tons more milestones to experience with him. but for now, i have to be okay with and grateful for the fact that he is experiencing all of these milestones with his foster mother. she is the only caregiver choi boy has known and she endured all those sleepless nights with him; was there as he cut his first tooth and for all the pain of teething that comes with it; she is there now as i'm sure he's learning to stand with support and cruise (if he hasn't already). we will forever be indebted to the love and care she has shown our son and we are so blessed that though we have missed these first 9 months, she was there to lovingly experience them with him.

i know all that in my head.

but in my heart?

i miss him so much.


  1. I can't imagine knowing when he is coming and just waiting...
    We don't know who we are getting or when, but I know I am ready and I already love them!
    Praying for you guys!

  2. :( He's lucky to have his foster mom and his real mom (that's you!!!) loving him so much at the same time. Can't wait to see you with your son in your arms. That will be a huge day of celebration!!!

  3. This post just about broke my heart! Grace, for sure I completely agree with you about the sleepless nights and all the hardships of the infant stage. It's definitely the hardest thing I've ever done, but it's so precious at the same time. I feel the same way about labor and delivery. Hands down the most painful experience of my life, but at the same time so precious. But I think every parent has those same heartbreaking moments, and I'm sure I could never understand the pain you have gone through during your journey into motherhood. But at the same time, once you have baby boy Choi in your arms, you will surely look back on all of this as precious as well.

    And as for missing... I can definitely relate... I felt the same way before RJ arrived. You feel foolish for missing someone you haven't even met yet... but that is your plight as a mother... your heart belongs to this baby and will continue to ache for him through the rest of your life!!

  4. We know exactly how you are feeling right now. We waited almost four years for our precious child. She is everything that we had hoped for. We loved her so much before we even met her. That's normal to feel Grace. I think all of us parents that have gone through international adoption feels the same way at some point during the journey. You may feel like you have missed out on some mile stones with your son now but you will have your very own mile stones with him when you get him home. We certainly have. When we were waiting we were always told that once your child is in your arms the wait that you went through will seem like nothing. I thought that people were crazy for saying this but it is certainly true. It's like we never existed before we got our daughter. We can't imagine life without her now. i'm willing to bet that you and your husband will also feel the same way. God Bless you and your new family to be. We will be watching your blog to see pictures of you and your son.

  5. Grace,
    I'm glad you discovered our blog ! I completely understand how you can miss someone you'd never met. Our wait seemed sooooo long. The paperwork endless :) But... I never thought last summer a massive earthquake in Haiti would bring Vania home to us. God is working it out.I know he has a perfect plan to bring Choi home ! Congrats on your son & best wishes !!!!!

  6. Grace, I understand EXACTLY how you feel! This process is so crazy and unpredictable, some days the ONLY thing that saves me and gives me any semblance of peace, is knowing, and telling myself over and over that God is in control, and He is Never late. I'm glad you found my blog! We almost went with your agency a couple years ago! Praying for you!


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