a reminder.

this week is national infertility awareness week.

and though i don't talk much about it now that choi boy is home, infertility was (and still is) a big part of our journey.

last year, i wrote about lessons i had learned through infertility.

this year, things are a little different because i *am* a mom now. but the sting of infertility still stealthily lurks underneath and jealousy, bitterness, and sadness can still rear their ugly heads at times. and i hate that. i think it's because for a long time, i felt like our infertility indentified me. and i'm learning to shake that, but healing deep wounds is a process.

but wounds are also reminders. reminders of lessons we have learned; places we have been; changes that have shaped us into who we are today. and i don't want to forget any of those important things.

as i mentioned before, at this point, i am mostly just grateful for the situation our infertility put us in because it lead us to choi boy. and thought of not being *his* parents is just unthinkable.

but, i know how heartbreaking and difficult the road of infertility can be. and i know how isolating and lonely it is because people just dont't talk about it. and i know that it feels hopeless and daunting and it consumes you. and i know that it often just plain sucks.

and i guess all that's to say, if you're going through infertility, you're not alone. and it's okay to talk about it. and there should absolutely be awareness brought to it.

because chances are, if you're not on this road, someone you know is.

a blessing in disguise {one month together}.

today marks the end of our first month together as a trio of chois. it's a little confusing because choi boy was in our arms on december 17, but we weren't home until december 20. we just might end up celebrating and recognizing both days -- because, hey, who doesn't love a little extra something to celebrate? ;)

i took choi boy to church today for the first time and i found myself incredibly nervous beforehand. i think i was so worried that it would be so overwhelming for our little guy. in part, it kinda was. you would not believe how popular choi boy was! actually, you've seen video and pictures, so maybe you would. ;) but the swarms of people that came to greet us and congratulate us was just an extra reminder of how loved our son is.

we got so many well wishes and congratulations, but from members of the korean congregation, the remark that we heard again and again was about what a blessing choi boy is. in fact, one of my parents' friends called choi boy a "bohk dung-uh-ree," which, literally translated, means a "lump of blessings." :)

and it is so true. we are so incredibly blessed to call choi boy our son. i cannot say it enough. over the last month, people who have met him have commented on his incredibly sweet and easy-going personality and his friendliness and generally happy attitude. and quite frankly, we had nothing to do with that. that's how choi boy came to us and we are so blessed by our happy little guy.

but, as i've been reflecting on this past month, something else has been creeping into my thoughts and i've slowly been ruminating on this thought as it's been rolling through and marinating in my mind.

and it's this:

our infertility was such a blessing.

i know, say what?!

i never ever, ever, ever, ever in a million zillion years thought i'd say that. but it's true.

as dark and awful as our struggles with infertility were, and as much as they will never be forgotten, they just cannot compete with the utter joy we are experiencing right now.

and the crazy part is, were it not for those struggles, we would not have this joy.

sure, we absolutely would have had joy from biological children, but we wouldn't have *this* joy with *this* child.

i do think we would have adopted even if we had biological children, but i know the timing wouldn't have worked out where we would have been matched with choi boy. so, had we not gone through what we did with our infertility, choi boy would not be our son.

and that...

is just unimaginable right now.

choi boy has just consumed our hearts and we are just bursting with love for this little one that could not be any more perfect for us. it truly is a match made in heaven. the Lord knew what He was doing and we are so grateful for that. and we are *so* grateful for choi boy's birth mother and foster family who each sacrificed and gave so much so that we could call choi boy ours.

we are SO abundantly blessed. blessed now...and as hard as it was to see it and acknowledge it, we were blessed back on that broken road that led us to choi boy. (sorry for the way cheesy rascal fl*atts reference.)

i am reminded so vividly of this:
"...weeping may endure for a night,
but joy comes in the morning."
~psalm 30:5

and since i know that now you really come here for the pictures, i'll share some choi boy joy with you. ;)


having some snack...


and savoring every bite. heehee :)


cheering for the beloved packers with daddy.


trying chick-fil-a for the first time, and much to grandpa's delight, loving it!


thinking about chomping away at spot...


and deciding to snuggle instead. :)


getting cozy in the crib (he slept like this throughout his entire nap!)

p.s. totally random side story...the hubs' favorite girl name is "joy." but he always said it would be so mean to name a girl "joy choi." since then we've jokingly said we would name our sons "roy" and "troy" so we could have a whole slew of kids with rhyming names. who knew the rhyming moniker, "choi boy" would have such meaning in our lives?? ;)

one very special momma.

first off, let me say THANK YOU for sharing in our joy regarding our EP submission. we are so grateful for your love and care for us and could not imagine enduring this wait without your support! we've still got a little ways to go, but, my goodness, your cheerleading is surely helping us persevere!

one of my friends IRL has been especially special to me during this entire process.

two years ago, when we were both in the thick of our infertility woes, tina and i got to know each other quite well as we shared honestly and openly in the way that only those who have traveled similar journeys can. the hubs and i became very close with tina and her hubs and leaned on each other and held each others' hands (the wives literally, the husbands figuratively) as we supported one another through different doctor's appointments and rough days. we were and are SO incredibly blessed by their friendship. we always say that our friendship with t&t is one of the best things that came out of this often grueling journey...the best thing being choi boy, of course!

tina and her hubs got pregnant through ivf earlier this year and she is due at the end of november. we are ECSTATIC for them! they are having a little boy and we are so excited to watch our sons grow up together. tina has always said that we might be bringing our boys home on the same day. and as much as i didn't want to believe it earlier on (because i was holdin' out for august or september, friends!), now that that is a very distinct possibilty, it is pretty darn cool. :)

we celebrated tina's bun in the oven on saturday and i was so honored to help host her shower. it was absolutely gorgeous, but i really can't take much credit for it. our friend, gloria, did an amazing job planning and coming up with the garden party theme, decor and menu and the rest of us were little worker bees.

look at this gorgeousness:

i love the giant balloons :)

and a better shot of the spread in better lighting. look at the miniature candied apples we made! SO cute. a bit hard to eat, but SO cute.


we had lots of floral centerpieces around the house and made these fun dessert kabobs as centerpieces, too.


here was my one major contribution to the shower:

the favors! my favorite kind of favors are edible ones, so i loved doing this.

as i made about 21 dozen cookies (256 cookies, to be exact!), i realized the full potential of my beloved kitchenaid mixer. apparently, a quadruple batch of chocolate chip cookies is all it can handle. hello? 9 cups of flour, 6 cups of sugar, EIGHT sticks of margarine, 4 eggs, etc...phew! good job, mixer.

the shower was a beautiful way to honor a beautiful momma...but, my favorite favorite part was the excuse to make stuff for her little man. remember how i said i had one more name plaque in the works? tina said she read that and thought, "that better be for me!" heehee, i love her!

her little guy's room has a train theme, so i set to work making some choo-choo goodies!

i'm not the best drawer, but i can manage copying something if i have a really good image to look at. as i looked through different train images, i couldn't find one that i liked and then remembered this amazingness that christine created for a certain two-year old funnyman. it was *perfect* and christine was so sweet in letting me use it as inspiration.

here's the finished name plaque with choo-choo ala christine:

(please don't judge me by my dirty windows. my mom judges me enough for all of you.)

i also made some bookplates:


and painted some wooden train items that tina and i found at m*chael's.



i loaded everything up into a basket with 10 of my favorite books and voilà, shower gift complete!


tina, i love you, dear friend, and i am so very excited for you! it's been a long and hard road to this point for both of us, but i can't imagine traveling it without you. i am so excited for our happy endings and for the little boys that will soon fill our arms. you are going to be an amazing and awesome momma...i am so privileged to know you and call you my friend!

*the* incident.

so, here's how it went down with the waitress at the korean restaurant:

christy, sandra, and i were enjoying our dinner and conversation when one of the waitresses walked by, trying to catch my eye and attention. peter and i eat at this restaurant on a semi-frequent basis, and peter comes often with other members of the church staff, so a good number of the waitresses are familiar with us.

i politely bowed my head with an "anyoung ha sae yo" and she said hello back and said in korean,

"oh, you gained a lot of weight! are you pregnant?"

i'm pretty sure i turned a nice shade of red and i quickly responded, "no."

and her response? "so, how many months along are you?"

by this time, not only was i red in the face, but i was totally seeing red. lay off, lady! i looked at her, said, "i'm NOT pregant." and quickly turned away from her and back to the comfort of my food and friends.

i was so angry, but had to hold it together because a) i was in public and b) i was in the company of lovely ladies that know me, but don't *know* me quite yet and i didn't want them to think i had anger management issues. ;)

comments like this have been a source of vivid pain, and to be on the receiving end of a double whammy was rough.

okay, so yes, i've gained some weight in the past year. i attribute it to three things: 1. my slowing metabolism (hello, 30!) 2. the anxiety and distress of waiting in this adoption process and 3. dc's snowmageddon 2009/2010.

sure, i should really make a better effort to shed some of this extra padding. but, still, HOW RUDE.

and people, it's 2010, don't ask someone if they're pregnant unless they're going into labor. in front of you. seriously.

now before we get all cujo on this lady, let me explain something to you. korean people are rude. especially when it comes to issues like weight.

wait, wait, hear me out.

and understand that i say that in the way that i can make fun of my family, but you can't. the same way you can make fun of your family, but i can't.

and understand that i'm saying this based on my upbringing here in the US as a korean american. i've only been to korea once (when i was 9) and my parents have been here for 40 years. so really, i guess i'm saying that koreans i've met are rude. and not all koreans, mostly first generation older koreans. and again, this is what i'm saying based on my experience.

and the thing is, they don't think they're being rude.

i think there are two very distinct reasons why they act this way.

the first is because in relatively recent history, korea was a war-torn country. food was sparse and people were very skinny and often malnourished. so, when someone commented on your weight gain, it was, in a sense, a way of them recognizing that you were doing well. granted we are far from this now, but i think some of the older generation has this mentality still ingrained in their minds and for some, always will.

the second reason is that koreans have a lot of national pride, and with this comes the feeling that all koreans are connected. in other words, they are all fellow countrymen, and even family. so, much like your family might criticize you for something, it's not unusual for one (older) korean person to say to another: "wow, you gained some weight!" or "man, your skin looks bad!" and other gems of the like.

case in point? a few weeks ago, my mom and dad had a housewarming party and several of my mom's friends saw a picture of my parents on a date when they were in college (my dad has it displayed in his office -- isn't that sweet??). after seeing the picture, each of my mom's friends came over (on SEPARATE occasions) and said variations of the following: "gosh, you looked so great when you were skinny! you should try to lose 10 pounds. you'd look so much better."

nice, right?

so, while i was definitely fuming and hurt, i had to take the waitress' comments with a grain of salt. and while the hurt was very real, i know that her intentions were not cruel. but, i'll say it again,

HOW RUDE!


oh, and p.s. bingsoo or bingsu is a yummy concoction of shaved ice, ice cream, flavored syrup and different toppings. there are different types of bingsoo and the traditional kind is served with sweet red bean paste, fruit, and mini pieces of rice cake (mochi). i like strawberry bingsoo -- shaved ice, strawberry ice cream, strawberry syrup, strawberries and mochi pieces. yum-o!

ode to linus.

there's something irresistably cute about a child and his blankie, isn't there?

within the last few weeks, we were gifted with not one, but two very special blankets for choi boy.

the first was given to us by my mom. my parents recently moved, and as they were settling into their new digs, my mom found this wrapped package and handed it to me. what was inside, you ask? MY baby blanket! my mom had carefully saved it for 30 years, waiting til the moment she could pass it on to me to use with my little one. so special.

she was a little teary eyed when she gave it to me, telling me that all these years she had saved it hoping to bring it to the hospital after i had delivered a baby so i could bring the baby home in the blanket...she said that she hopes choi boy will still be able to use it even though he is not an infant, and i assured her that he would and it would still be incredibly special.

SO special.

want to see it? (keep in mind, it's from 1980, so it's not the most modern or cool looking blanket!)

it's satin-y and very soft and embroidered with (slightly scary) little bunnies and ducks.

slightly scary bunny close-up:


it was also (slightly) smelly (it's 30 years old!), but it's nothing a good wash and fe*breeze can't fix!

the other blanket was given to us by my principal. she is, in a word, amazing. so caring and such a great leader. i came into my office and found a large box on my reading table with a note telling me to come see her. i brought the box down to her office and opened it and found this:

she told me that every child needs a spot (totally) and a blankie. :) and then she told me that she had been working on it for several months and each time she sat down to work on it, she would pray for choi boy with every stitch. praying that he would be filled with joy and wisdom; that he would be healthy and loving. and let me tell you, when i heard that, i lost it. like, full on ugly-cry in the middle of her office.

because you see, her gift came just moments after i got some ugly news and i SO needed something to lift my spirits. and, it also happened to be choi boy's birthday, which she had no idea about. it was such a God ordained moment.

i can't wait to wrap choi boy up in this blanket and cover him with these stitches that were carefully prayed over.


so blessed.

disgusted.

after 14 hours of driving (with 4 stops along the way), we made it to milwaukee. whohoo! yesterday, we spent the day meeting up with some friends and enjoying the lovely lake front.

when we got home from our fantastic day out and about, we settled down in my in-laws' cozy living room, catching up on some news (peter) and blogs (grace -- heehee).

all was well until peter showed me this article.

i wanted to simultaneously vomit and punch someone in the face.

basically, this french woman admitted to giving birth to, smothering, and killing 8 (EIGHT!!!) newborns over the course of 17 years. EIGHT BABIES!!!

her excuse? she didn't want any more children.

WHAT?!

so instead, she births them, kills them, and buries them in her garden or hides them in plastic bags IN HER GARAGE!

SICK. SICK. SICK!

this enrages me! it makes me want to shake my fist at the world and plead with God begging, "why? why? why?" and just a few days ago i read this post over at pcos chick's blog. talk about a ridiculous and disgusting double whammy!

it is just a reminder of how unfair this infertility journey has seemed...here we have to be interviewed and background checked and fingerprinted and attend classes and pay gobs of money to bring home our son, and i know, i know, i know, it is all worth it and i would do it again in a heartbeat; but, this woman, this woman literally throws away EIGHT babies!

my heartaches for those eight precious lost souls...

i am so sad and angry and could continue to let that anger and my shouts of "it's not fair!" take over, but i'm going to stop.

i'm going to stop and try my very hardest to remember this post.

motivation.

often, when we tell people we are adopting, we get comments like, "wow! that is so great of you!" and "gosh, you are such *good* people!" and "oh, that little boy is so lucky!"

sometimes, we forget and smile and nod and let those comments shine our proverbial halos.

and then we stop and let reality slap us upside the head.

because the truth is, yes, we TOTALLY believe in and want to live out james 1:27 -- religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress...

and we TOTALLY believe that God has a heart for waiting children and wants His people to do their part in caring for them.

but, when it boils down to it, our motivation for our choice to adopt and the primary reason we are adopting is because our hearts ache for a child and adoption is a way to build our family. as i mentioned earlier in this post, adoption was something that was always on our hearts. our step towards actually going forward with it just came a lot sooner than expected due to our infertility journey. we'd like to think that even if we could have biological children, we would still adopt, and i do really think we would...but, right now, adoption is the way to fulfill our desire for a child that we can care for and love.

is choi boy lucky to be coming home to us? i don't know, i can't really answer that.

but are we lucky to become choi boy's parents? absolutely and emphatically one hundred percent YES.

above all else, we want choi boy to know that we are so, so, SO blessed to be able to call him our son...that he has fulfilled our dreams and that he is a gift given to us, and not vice versa...that he has built our family and that our journey through adoption is the one that brought him home to our ever waiting arms...that he is a perfect fit for us and that we are so grateful that *we* were chosen to have the great privilege of calling him ours.

so, the next time someone tells us how lucky our son is, i hope to be able to stop and look at them in the eyes and tell them,

no. no, *we* are the lucky ones.

loved.

this past saturday, i felt SO loved.

i feel loved on a daily basis; peter and piper do a good job of showing me love, and when school is in session, my kiddos show me lots of love. confession: i teach kindergarten because i need 5 and 6 year-olds to build up my self-esteem and give me lots of hugs. just kidding. not really. ;)

but anyway, i digress. on saturday, i felt super duper loved because my dear friends and family threw me the lovliest, most awesome shower. ever.

i think what touched me the most was that this shower was just like any other shower...it wasn't treated any differently because of the adoption and if anything, it was even cooler because we already know who choi boy is, and his adorable pictures were part of the decor!

when going through infertility, baby showers are so painful to go to because they are reminders of what you do not and cannot have. i was hesitant about even having a shower because of this, but my dear, dear friends insisted upon it and i am so thankful they did.

i can't even begin to describe the loveliness in words, so this will be a picture heavy post. besides, pictures are more fun than words, right? oh, gosh, the reading recovery teacher in me just cringed.

anyway.

pictures.

the yummy spread.adorable favors! it was a jungle animal theme, so these mason jars are filled with animal crackers and the tags match the super cute monkey invites.some of the decorat the start of the shower, all the ladies wrote notes to choi boy on these adorable hanging notecards that had different animals on them. can't wait to read them to choi boy!we played a game matching momma animals and their young. sophia and i won, but i let sophia take the prize. i'm so gracious. HAHA!then it was time for presents! lydia insisted on helping me open everything. she was too cute!everyone knows how much i love children's books, so we got lots of new ones to add to choi boy's library. one of them was "God Found Us You," a beautiful story about adoption. i bought it for stacey for her grad school graduation and have been looking for another copy ever since. sophia, not knowing this, ended up getting one for us, and when i told everyone at the shower about it, they insisted i read it aloud. i refused because i would have been a hot mess had i tried, but stacey so nicely volunteered to read it.we were all hot messes afterwards.

we got some amazing gifts for choi boy, but the best part of the shower was being surrounded by people whom we love and who love us:

my amazing shower hostess, tiff, rina and tina, who totally poured their hearts and souls into this shower and have been a constant support throughout this journey...notice tiff's skinny arm pose and the cool necklaces they are wearing! :).grace, who came down just for the shower and who has been a constant and faithful friend for the last 20 years...vic, who keeps me sane at london towne...amy and stacey who have been such a source of joy and accountability through small group...my fellow pw's who covered us daily in prayer...ethan, who has already promised to be a good surrogate big brother to choi boy...my momma...my aunt and baby cousin elissa, who will be choi boy's go-to baby sitter, which is so rad, because i was hers!and all our other amazing friends who have showered us with love and support and prayers and already love choi boy...
thank you all for making this shower so special for us...i am so grateful; not only for the love you showed me on this day, but also for the love you've shown us everyday throughout this journey.

missing.

miss    /mɪs/
–verb (used with object)
1. to fail to be present at or for
2. to notice the absence or loss

i miss my son.

can you miss someone you've never met? someone you've only longed to meet? someone for whom you wait everyday?

i'm going to say yes. because that's how i feel. and that's how i know so many waiting parents feel.

we miss choi boy and want to have him home so badly! we miss his face, we wonder what his laugh sounds like, we miss his smile, we wonder what he'll feel like in our arms...

but, we also feel like we're missing so much. we've already missed his birth and the first 9 months of his life and all the milestones that come along with it.

some people have said things like, "oh, you are so lucky you're going to miss out on all those sleepless nights and all that infant stuff." and "you're doing it right -- i wish someone gave me my baby after he turned one!"

i know they don't mean any harm and they are simply trying to make conversation and make me feel comfortable about the fact that choi boy will be about a year old when he comes home.

but still.

how i long for those sleepless nights and craziness that comes with a newborn! before we thought seriously about starting a family, sleepless nights scared the poop out of me because i love sleep...it is seriously delicious. but after our journey and heartache with infertility, i really longed for that experience because i felt like it was one of those hallmarks of parenthood that earned you a big fat merit badge.

i cannot imagine how hard those first stages of raising an infant are. i am sure that if i was living it right now, i'd be complaining a whole lot and would surely be delirious from having less than 7 hours of sleep each night.

but, correct me if i'm wrong, as hard as those sleepless nights and difficult moments are, they are moments of bonding between parent and child and they are difficult times that you come out of together, stronger for making it through together.

i know that once our little choi boy comes home we will have our own moments of bonding and will have tons more milestones to experience with him. but for now, i have to be okay with and grateful for the fact that he is experiencing all of these milestones with his foster mother. she is the only caregiver choi boy has known and she endured all those sleepless nights with him; was there as he cut his first tooth and for all the pain of teething that comes with it; she is there now as i'm sure he's learning to stand with support and cruise (if he hasn't already). we will forever be indebted to the love and care she has shown our son and we are so blessed that though we have missed these first 9 months, she was there to lovingly experience them with him.

i know all that in my head.

but in my heart?

i miss him so much.

things i've learned along the way.

warning...slightly heavy post below...



a few weeks ago, it was national infertility awareness week -- april 25-may 1. an organization that i subscribe to, RESOLVE, the national infertility awareness association, sent out an e-newsletter with the following closing line: "We need your help to continue to educate the public, change perceptions about infertility, and provide the best possible support and resources to those in their family building journey right now."

so here i go.

i've gone back and forth on whether or not i should write this post for a while now...i hesitated because i didn't want to offend anyone or make anyone feel like i was pointing fingers. for the record, i'm not -- really and truly. but i have to share this because it is real and it is what's on my heart and has been for the last 3 years. please understand that the place where a lot of this came from was one of the darkest, if not the darkest, times in my life. and though i don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, i need to share the many hurts that i struggled with along the way. these are also the same hurts i have heard again and again from other women who are struggling with or have struggled with infertility...

here are a few things i've learned along our journey:

1. "so, when are you having kids?" is not the innocent question i once thought it was.
i admit that before we struggled with infertility, i used to ask this question all the time. i never thought anything of it, as i'm sure most people don't. it seems like it's the natural progression of things. you know, "first comes love, then comes marriage, then comes ______ with the baby carriage!" harmless stuff, right? not always. when you are in the thick of infertility, this question is so hurtful and an extra, public reminder of your circumstances. often, women who are faced with infertility think about it every day on their own, so to be reminded of it by someone else can be quite painful. a friend recently equated it to asking a blind person, "so, when are you going to start seeing again?" that comparison might seem silly because you would never ask a blind person that because you would obviously know that person was blind. well, infertility is not as obvious, but it is also a medical condition that you just can't "get better" from and when someone asks about having kids, it is a reminder of that. i've vowed to never, ever, ever ask that question again because you just never know what people are going through. plus, it reminds me of this terrible case of foot-in-mouth syndrome :) (sorry couldn't find the isolated clip but it's from 2:05-2:35 -- love this cheesey movie!):


2. advice and suggestions, as well-meaning and loving as they are, are not always helpful.
a lot of times, people don't realize that infertility is usually caused by a medical diagnosis. this means, that old wives' tales and herbal remedies and other advice of the like, won't work. "suggestions" (and i'm going to leave it at that because this blog is rated PG) are also not helpful and kind of awkward to hear. i know this advice usually comes from sincere care and thoughtfulness, but it can be sometimes frustrating because it makes one feel even more misunderstood.

3. hearing others complain about or even talk excessively about their pregnancy or their children can be hard to take.
i was sharing about this with one of my dear friends and she told me she knew exactly how i felt, that just days after her mother passed away, a co-worker, who knew full well of the situation, made a remark like, "ugh! my mother is so ridiculous! she just showed up at my house unannounced!" my friend said she walked away, thinking, "don't you know what i would give for my mother to show up at my door???" this is a lot like what it felt like when i would hear people complain about their children or about being pregnant. i am sure morning sickness and being bloated and uncomfortable for 40 weeks stinks big time...but, what i would give to feel that way if it meant i was carrying a child in my womb! hearing these complaints were just more reminders of what i could not have.

4. infertility is often a lonely journey.
you never walk up to someone and say, "what's up? i'm going through infertility!" although, one of my friends, who was in a mood of sorts, responded to a co-worker's "when are you having kids?" with "i can't, i'm barren!"...this remains to be a running joke between us...in a kind of twisted way. :)
because it's rarely talked about openly, it's hard to know who is also on this same journey, making it really isolating. it's also hard when all around you people seem to be popping out babies and they naturally gravitate towards each other, unintentionally leaving the childless out on the sidelines. suddenly, friends you once had so much in common with seem to drift away because of the different life stages you are in. thankfully, i had a great community of sisters through the hannah's hope ministry at our church. the hannah's prayer community forums are also a great place to find support, albeit it over the internet. it's a safe place to share and walk alongside others who are on a similar journey, making your own feel a little less isolating.


i share all this to give a glimpse into my experience...i truly, truly hope i didn't offend anyone, but rather, i hope it gave an eye-opening perspective that you may not have considered. i'm sure there'll be days when i need these reminders myself, and undoubtedly, i'll make blunders that will hurt others whose stories i don't quite understand. but, if anything, this journey has taught me that you cannot assume anything about anyone and there is so much lying under the surface that others just don't know about. since starting this blog, i've gotten many emails saying, "i had no idea you were going through this..." and i hope this post has given you an idea of what was going on under that surface...

i found this quote on a blog of sister who i "met" on the hannah's prayer forums. it's from former first lady laura bush. i didn't know this, but she and george w. struggled with infertility for many years before the twins were born. this quote beautifully expresses what couples often feel throughout their experience with infertility...

"But each milestone came and went. The calendar advanced, and there was no baby. The English language lacks the words "to mourn an absence". For the loss of a parent, grandparent, spouse, child, or friend we have all manner of words and phrases, some helpful, some not. Still, we are conditioned to say something, even if it is only "I am sorry for your loss". But for an absence, for someone who was never there at all, we are wordless to capture that particular emptiness. For those who deeply want children and are denied them, those missing babies hover like silent, ephemeral shadows over their lives. Who can describe the feel of a tiny hand that is never held?"
- Laura Bush

i couldn't have said it better.

the hill is in sight...

a few months ago, one of our college students, josh cho, invited peter and me down to durham to watch duke play wake forest. neither of us particularly like duke (read: NOT fans), but it was really neat to be in cameron indoor and be across the floor from coach k.

we were headed in to the student section and in order to get in, we borrowed student IDs from josh and his girlfriend's friends -- apparently, people do this all the time, so we didn't feel too bad about lying :). while we were waiting in line outside, josh casually said to peter, "i'm so glad you guys were able to come down! this is probably the last time you'll be able to do so..." to which peter replied, "no, we have other students that are coming down to duke, i'm sure we can come down to see them." and then, josh chuckled and said, "no, i mean this is probably the last year you can get in with a student ID without looking like you're totally faking it!" in other words, he meant that we are not spring chickens any more! :) we were slightly offended (not really) and mostly thought it was hilarious that josh would say that.

and then...we got inside and to the student section. so, it's standing room only. and squishy and crowded and smelly from all the b.o. coming off of screaming college students. there are all these cheers you have do and several involve jumping and fist pumping and arm waving, etc. i have never felt so. old. in. my. life. shortly into the first half, all peter and i wanted to do was sit down, which totally wasn't going to happen. peter was super annoyed with this nerdy kid standing next to him who happened to be wearing this jester-ish hat with jingle bells on it. the jingle bells kept hitting peter in the head and the dude was screaming very loudly, at times right into peter's ear. we were such an old, crotchety couple and realized that josh was completely right. :) we may not be over the hill quite yet, but that hill surely is in sight!

here we are before the smooshing really began...


peter with josh and steph


i bring this up because i always dreamed about being a cool, young, hip mom, and thought i would have 2 children before i turned 30 -- which will be happening in less than 6 months...sigh. i know, i know, i'm still young (30 is new 20, blah, blah) and by many standards will still be a young-ish mom. but it's just a reminder again of how things never really go how we planned them or want them. had we conceived back when we had initially started trying, i would have given birth shortly after my 27th birthday and would have a 2 year old. (and secretly, thinking about that actually kinda freaks me out!)

but, here's the cool thing about adoption...since our little choi boy is already 8 months and was born back in september 2009, he was actually born 2 months before i turned 29 and just after peter turned 31, shaving a year off our mommy and daddy age. :) heehee...after seeing little choi boy's face i can't imagine being a mommy to anyone else and i don't really care how old we'll be anymore...okay, maybe i care just a smidge :), but i know this was the way things were supposed to work out, and peter and i cherish the extra time we had together to travel and have more flexibility before parenthood. now we are so ready to take on this new challenge as parents and feel like we're at an age where we can truly, truly enjoy it and not feel like we missed out on anything in our 20s...

sigh...those 20s will soon be a distant memory for me...whatever, 30, here i come -- baby and all! :)

sprinkles on top.

when we were in the thick of our infertility struggles, there were many days when the phrase that reverberated at the front of my mind was, "it's NOT fair!" many, many tears were shed as i sat and repeated this phrase. to me, it was not fair that people like britney spears and teenage girls who had no desire to have a baby seemed to be popping out kids left and right. it seemed so unfair that we had this desire in our hearts, and month after month, year after year, the desire went unfulfilled with seemingly no hope of seeing it come true.

there are definitely still days like this now, but they are fewer and farther between. for sure our adoption process and the closer we get to getting a referral and bringing little choi home has made things easier, but i think i've also come to realize in a clearer and truer way about God's grace and sovereignty.

i mean, by definition, God's grace means that we were given life when we deserved death. so, because of that, anything else is just sprinkles, whipped cream, fudge, and caramel on top (i love me a good ice cream analogy!). if i were to take inventory of all of these "extra" things i have been blessed with in my life, my list would be very long...there is so much to be thankful for and so much that i already have that brings me joy and is beyond what i need.

of course, this is waaaay easier said than done. as i said, there are definitely days when i wallow in sorrow and pity myself, but by when i take the time intentionally think about all that i *do* have, it can get me out of that funk. though, admittedly, a good cry is sometimes very cathartic. :)

through this, i am learning to live by the words that i tell my kindergartners...that fairness isn't about everyone having the same thing, but about everyone having what they need and what is right for them. it's unfair of me to judge britney spears and women who have children that they may not have initially wanted or judge people that i write off as unfit parents. perhaps God is using these little babies to do something great in the lives of their parents and these children are what they need and what is right for them...

i think that realizing this has not in any way diminished our desire for a child, but it has actually made us more thankful for the little sprinkle that will be entering our lives. :) and hopefully that will happen SOON! i know that when we meet the little guy or gal, we will know that he or she is what is fair and right for us.

on a sidenote, mmmm...ice cream...:)

the view

**do you like our new banner? so cute, right?! many, many thanks to the very talented gracieK for creating it for us! i "met" her through stumbling upon her blog and am so grateful that she was willing to work on this banner for us...thanks, grace!**

last week, an episode of "the view" was dedicated entirely to the subject of infertility -- thanks, tina, for giving me a heads up about this episode! (you can watch the full episode here, but i'm not sure how much longer it will be up on the abc site, so you may have to check youtube). bill and giuliana rancic came on and shared their story of their journey with infertility and several different doctors and other couples also shared their stories and expertise. i didn't agree with all the side comments the ladies on "the view" made, especially whoopi, who really was not very nice at times, but then again, i never fully agree with those ladies, which is why i rarely watch the show. well, that and the fact that when the show's on, i'm in the middle of herding kindergartners to the cafeteria. :) also, whoever the fact card writer was for this particular show did not do a great job because the ladies had their facts about the couples all mixed up throughout the show. but, in spite of these two caveats, it was a fairly good show.

i was really encouraged by the fact that "the view" was taking the time to address this issue that affects, according to the cdc facts on the show, 1 in 5 couples. it was also really great to see a celebrity couple come forward and share openly about their struggles with infertility. infertility is often such a private matter, and understandably so, so it's encouraging to see that it is being brought to public light, making it something that's okay to talk about if and when a couple chooses to do so. a lot of times people don't share about their infertility until after they have had a successful intertility treatment or adoption because it's too painful to do so during the midst of the struggles. but here were 3 couples that shared openly about their current struggles, putting a face to this issue.

if you want to learn the basics about infertility, watching this episode might be a great place to start...i never thought i'd say it, but good job, people of "the view"! :)

a little background...

for those of you that may not know where we're coming from, here's a little history for ya...

we were married back in 2005, at the tender young ages of 24 and 26 (seriously, we were babies!). when we got married, we consciously made the decision to wait on trying to have children for 2 years...the extra time would give me (grace) time to go to grad school and we would have at least 2 years of marital bliss (sidenote: isn't funny that "marital" looks so much like the word "martial"?). we felt we were too young to be parents and wanted the freedom to still enjoy our mid-twenties.

fast forward to 2007. you know that phrase, "if you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans."? yeeeeahhh...so true.

here we were ready to add on to our family, thinking it would be so easy and effortless, no worries at all. and then, 3 months went by. and then 6. and pretty soon an entire year went by. infertility is defined as the inability to conceive after 1 year, so over that 12 month mark, we headed over to the doctor, nervous, but hopeful that we would be faced with something that was semi-easily fixable.

unfortunately, the news we were met with was not hopeful news at all. in fact, it was something we had not expected nor wanted to hear. ever. after undergoing different tests, we were told that it would be absolutely impossible for us to conceive on our own. in addition to that, we were told that there was a very invasive surgery that was an option, but even with that surgery, it was not guaranteed, and actually not even very likely, that we would then be eligible for procedures like IUI or IVF. ultimately, it meant that the chances of us having a biological child were slim to none.

after hearing this, we were devastated, heartbroken, and so, so, so, so sad. we cried and we grieved the loss of this dream that we had counted on and built in and our hearts and minds.

this period of grieving really consumed us for the better part of a few months. we were so seized by this sudden and unexpected turn of events that it was hard for us to keep our heads above water. it was a time of much crying and questioning, a time of sadness and anger.

eventually, and truly by God's grace, we were able to come to a place of peace. when we couldn't pray for ourselves, others did, and we are so thankful for those prayers and those friendships that helped lift us up. there are still good days and bad days, but we are still hopeful in knowing there are better days ahead.

i'll leave you with some old wedding photos so you can see just how young (and SKINNY!) we were :)