well, it *is* award season after all...

hola, amigos! hope you had a happy weekend! we had great fun with grandma and grandpa choi who came to meet and visit the one and only choi boy. post and pictures coming soon!

in the meantime, my buddy, PCOSchick (who is honest and refreshing and now officially paper pregnant and waiting for a referral from colombia -- whohoo!), passed on this trifecta of blog awards:

here's what i'm supposed to do:
1. thank and link back to the person who gave you the award.
2. share 7 things about yourself.
3. award 15 awesome bloggers.

i feel kinda lame doing this since i've already shared so much randomness about myself, but i've got a million other things to do that i don't feel like doing, so what better way to procrastinate? ;)

technically, i'm supposed to share 7 things with each award, but since i've already done the versatile blogger, and i cannot for the life of me think of 21 things to share, i'll do 7 random facts about me, and for the other 7, i'm going to copy kelly and share 7 things i've learned as a new momma. can you tell i *really* don't want to fold laundry/organize the closet/finish up some projects for cb's room??

okay, ready, set, GO!

7 random facts:
1. i really dislike my feet. i have two extra bones in each of my feet -- one on the side by my pinky toes and one on the top of my foot. they make my feet wide and weird-looking. and now y'all are going to be checking out my feet the next time i see you...

2. i really love elephants. i don't know why...i just think they're such beautiful and peaceful animals.

3. i have a serious love affair with wegman*s. if you're not lucky enough to have this mighty fine supermarket near you, i'm so sorry. come visit me and i'll take you there. i really do take guests there just to show off the awesomeness that is wegman*s. it's amazing.

4. after i graduated from college, a friend and i backpacked through western europe for 3 weeks. my favorite city was salzburg. it may or may not have been because of the sound of music tour. ;)

5. when i was in middle school, i had a brief but illustrious career as a model. ha! no, what actually happened was, some camp or summer program or something wanted some diversity in their brochure and someone knew someone who knew my mom and i was asked to come and model for some pictures with an asian boy without the camp people ever seeing my face. and boy, were they in for a treat! i think i was in sixth or seventh grade and i had braces AND glasses and a beautiful zit the size of texas on my nose. mmmhmmm, that's right, people, i was just too much pretty to handle. somewhere out there is a random camp brochure with an awkward-looking, pimply asian girl on it. sad.

6. i love cheese. SO much.

7. in the 13 years i've been driving, i've been pulled over 6 times. five out of six times, i managed to get away without getting a ticket. i'm pretty sure that my prominently displayed teacher parking tag was the cause of my getting out of tickets at least twice. the sixth and last time i was pulled over, i got big fat ticket. i cried. not just because i got a ticket, but also because i felt like it was the end of an era. and i swore it was because i look less youthful and innocent now. double sad.


7 things i've learned as a new momma:
1. coffee + me in the mornings = BFFs.

2. twenty-two pounds might not seem like a lot, but when you're picking up and holding 22 lbs of toddler throughout the day, it's A LOT. thankfully, i'm *actually* developing some muscle tone and my spaghetti arms are firming up a bit!

3. wearing pajamas all day might be comfy, but unless i put on *real* clothes, i'm tired all day and far less productive.

4. it is *actually* possible to sing the same song/watch the same y0utube video/read the same book 100 times a day.

5. toddlers are hilarious. and they know it! seriously, it's like the choi boy show in our house everyday.

6. caring for a 16 month-old can make one super forgetful. today, i forgot i ate lunch. good thing i remembered before i gobbled down a second!

7. i didn't know my heart was capable of loving choi boy this much. seriously, in the last month and a half, i feel like my heart has grown a million times and then some.

i love this little guy so ridiculously much.


and now, i pass on these awards to:
*barb at mommy's two monkeys
*belle at belle and her boys
*christine at 12450miles
*christine at our answered prayers
*christy at 3 little monkeys
*colleen at noah and simon
*cori at daily dose of mama
*dana at plum tree studio
*elizabeth at a.e.i.o.
*elizabeth at everyday the wonderful happens
*jana at find joy now
*janet at seoul searching
*jen at our family, our journey
*joanna at little bit o'seoul
*kelly at jon & kelly + max
*kelly at life with briar
*kimberly at blessings from korea
*kris at life in the hammer home
*krista at when you wish upon a star
*kristin at seoul purpose
*michelle at life according to wesley
*michelle at soul-2-seoul
*misty at a petits pas
*rach at in his hands
*sandra at three continents -- one family
*sarah at the butsons
*sue at all accounted four
*sue at finding our sunshine
*tina at the ros' bowl
*tina at tinalimchung's xanga
*yvonne at our korean american family

i know, i know, that's way more than 15 and i've probably left the rest of you with hardly anyone to tag, but i felt like breaking some rules! plus, i'm hoping this peer pressure gets a good amount of my buddies to make their own list to share... ;) and, i'm so very sorry if i unintentionally left any of my buddies off this list -- i may be procrastinating, but i *am* working on dwindling brain cells!

tag, you're it!

move over, penguin!

watch out, p0roro, choi boy's got some new favorite friends! (sidenote: i'm kinda happy about that -- as cute as p0roro is, sometimes i feel like the characters are a tad too mean to each other for a preschool program...anyone else feel that way? or am i the only dork that avoids conflict at all costs and thinks children's programs should be all sunshine and rainbows? no? okay.)

check out choi boy naming his new pals:


things to note:
1. the way cb says "e1mo" -- he doesn't pronounce the "l" but instead makes his voice crack so he sounds like peter brady in the "time to change" song. ;)

2. cb's imitation of cookie m0nster's "nom nom nom nom!"

3. the shush i get in the end. i guess choi boy doesn't like my singing. everyone's a critic!

mommahood vs. teaching

before choi boy made me a mom, a lot of people assumed that the transition to mommahood would come easily because i teach young children and have done so for the past nine years. and there are certainly a lot of similarities between teaching and parenting...namely, neither is for the faint of heart. let's just say poopy pants are not limited to just infants and toddlers. ;)

and while there are similarities, there are also many differences between parenting and teaching. the major difference? with teaching, at the end of the day, no matter what kind of day it was, you get to give the child back.

if you had a rough day with a particular kiddo, when 3 o'clock rolls around, you get to send him/her home. perhaps the child will go home with a note to the parents explaining why the day was so rough and asking for the parents' partnership in dealing with the matter, but for the most part, the child leaves and then you leave. you go home, think about something else and recharge knowing that tomorrow is likely to be better and that there are several hours until then.

with parenting, that's not the case. if you're having a bad day, you're having a bad day. there's no one to give the child back to, no one to write a note to, no one picking them up at 3 o'clock to relieve you of your duties. *you* are it. (well, you and your partner, if you have one -- shout out to the hubs who is being an awesome pops!)

when i tell people i teach five and six year-olds, they assume i have the patience of a saint. and i don't. not at all. the trick is, i know i only have to hold it together for 8 hours. that's it. eight hours. a third of the day. and really, there are very few moments that actually truly try one's patience during the school day, so those 8 hours tend to fly by really quickly.

not so with parenting. there is no "off" switch that allows you to throw off your patience hat and exclaim, "phew! i'm done for today!" you're *always* on. 24-7. and those patience reserves? they have to run reeeeeally deep because you never know when a 1:30am wake-up is going to deplete them.

there are no guaranteed breaks for PE, music, or art. there are no custodians to come and clean the child's mess. there is no school nurse to come take care of the boo-boos. there is no principal to deal with the really hairy behavior issues. it's all *you*.

and boy, can it be exhausting! i've been a momma for a smidge over a month and there are times when i marvel that one single solitary 16 month-old can wear me out more than an entire class of 23 kindergartners. it's crazypants, i tell you!

but you know what the best part of parenting is? at the end of the day, i don't have to give him back.

this might sound creepy, especially since i know there are some parents of former students reading this, but there have been little ones i have taught that i would have loved to take home with me. after spending 10 months together, it is really hard to say goodbye to some kiddos knowing i won't get to seem them regularly again. but with choi boy, i'm not limited to just september to june. he is mine. i am the one that he is given back to, no matter what kind of day he is having. i have the joy and honor of being the one he comes home to. i am the one that has the privilege of being there for not only the bad and the ugly,


but also the good. the very, very good.


and that is just amazing.

as much as i love teaching, i am SO loving being a momma. after all, isn't parenting really about being your child's first teacher? mommahood didn't come totally easily, but it is just so much lovlier than i could have ever imagined.

gotta run now...my sweet boy just woke up from his nap. ;) duty calls!

bring it.

today was a big day here at casa choi. we all donned our green and gold gear and cheered on the pack as they won the nfc championship and advanced to the super bowl! whohoo!


choi boy had absolutely no clue what was going on ("what is this football you americans speak of?"), but his daddy nearly lost it.

exhibit a:


and b:


that was some sort of strange mufasa-holding-simba-on-pride-rock homage type thing. i don't know. i have no words.

oh, choi boy...this poor child has no idea how weird his new family is...

there was some major celebrating and dancing going on and we are excited to watch the big game in two weeks! bring it, steelers, bring it!

and after a major celebration, what's the only thing left to do?

clean up, of course! choi boy's favorite! seriously, the child did his "oh-wah"s of joy when the hubs brought out the vacuum and squealed with delight when i handed him the swiffer. you know, on second thought, perhaps he's got the weirdo chops to fit right in with us after all...



oh, and in case you were wondering, it takes a lot of tries to try and get a decent family shot...

exhibit a:

"quick! grab him before he squirms off the couch!"

and b:

notice choi boy smiling, but not at the camera and momma's crazy eyes. oh, and the drool stain on my shirt.

and p.s. yes, those *are* glitter letters on my shirt. and no, i do not like them. why do sports apparel companies make women's shirts so cheesy??

true friends.

true friends stick by each other even when they might not necessarily agree with one another.

true friends put aside differences to celebrate each other.

true friends look past what some might consider bad decisions and lovingly accept one another with open arms.

true friends overcome rivalries to focus on what is really important -- each other...

*
*
*

...even when the rivalry happens to be the oldest rivalry in the NFL.



what the heck am i talking about?

look what we got in the mail from our friend (and major bears fan), gabe!



and are you wondering who that handsome model is?

it's choi boy, of course!

we were SO excited when we got this very sweet gift from our buddy, gabe. we were also stunned when we saw what it was, especially since it came from a very loyal bears fan and just before (and just in time for) a certain very big game. quite honestly, i don't know a whole lot about football, but after marrying into the packers fan base, it has been drilled into my head that packers + bears = no likey. BIG TIME.

in fact, this was choi boy's initial reaction:

"a packers hat?! from a bears fan?! what???? that's crazy!!!"

actually, he didn't really care. i totally had to bribe him with strawberries to pose for pics.



thank you so much for this awesome gift, joanna and gabe! it means so much more knowing you had to overcome this major rivalry to honor our team preference (ahem, the *right* preference). ;) can't wait til these two true friends can get together and play, all differences aside. :)

and, i'm going to say what y'all are thinking right now...doesn't choi boy totally look like a mini brawny man in that outfit?! love it! that and, yes, toddler toys have absolutely taken over our house!

and, because i'm the momma and i can use this blog to post embarrassing pictures of my guy while he still lacks enough words to protest, i'm going to share this gem of an outtake with you. you can see just how much CB loves strawberries:

ha!

GO, PACK, GO!!!

brown paper packages tied up with string.

actually, it was tied up with pompoms!!!


last week, we received a package from the lovely and talented dana! dana is one of the most caring and sweet people i have had the privilege of meeting here in blog world. she has the most amazing positive attitude and is just beautiful, inside and out. once i saw the return address, i knew we were in for a real treat. and of course, once we opened the package, we were not disappointed!

look at all this loot!

SO special. :)

i tried to take some close ups of the different goodies, but some pesky adorable hands got in the way. ;)

this adorable board book is made of recycled paper! love it! and the illustrations are so sweet.


(the only non-toddler-hands-in-the-way pic) aren't these bookplates gorgeous? they hold matching bookmarks, too!


choi boy is slightly obsessed with l!ttle people. he alternates between putting them in containers, hiding them on his LP farm, and carrying them around in his mouth. he was SO excited when he saw that doggie. i named him rufus. fitting, right?

and last, but certainly not least, the sweetest part of the package, handmade goodness:

choi boy is fascinated by that helicopter button! i pinned it to the scarf and whenever he wears it, he plays with the button.

isn't dana amazing? you must, must, MUST check out her shop where you can find your own plumtree delights...trust me, once choi boy is big enough to wear 24mo/2T, the first item i'm purchasing is her robot tee!

again, so incredibly blessed by my friends...thanks for all the goodies, dana! we love them!

pals.

we've slowly been introducing choi boy to our friends and i'm finding that our boy seems to be quite the social butterfly. and in true social butterfly form, he has absolutely adored meeting new people, especially people who are about his size. choi boy just lights up when he sees other kids and it's been so fun to watch his interactions with his new pals.

first up, choi boy met baby grant, who, if you remember, is one special baby with one special momma. choi boy was so curious and just wanted to be near baby g all night.


choi boy had a baby foster sister/buddy during his last few months in korea, so i think he was really excited to see another wee one.

the sweetest was just before baby g was leaving, his momma put him in his carseat with a cover over it since it was so cold outside. baby g started to cry, and choi boy walked over, opened the little flap on the cover, and patted baby g's chest. i know, awwwwwwwww, right??

i can't wait to see these two littles grow up together. i'm still amazed that tina and i get to experience mommahood together! :)

my friends, sandra and christy, came over and it was so fun to see ben and choi boy "play" together. ella was very sweet about sharing her toys, but in the end, she decided it was more fun to play by herself than with two babies -- and understandbly so!

there were times where we saw this -- ben and choi boy looking like they were going to work on something together...

there's ella in the background!

but most of the time, we saw this:

notice choi boy's leg *on* the m@gna doodle!

i'm so thankful to have blog buddies turned friends IRL so close by! next time, we'll have to get together with christy's ben, and one day, we'll have a playdate when her littlest monkey is home from korea. :)

finally, choi boy got to meet his beloved betrothed, kate. actually, kate has several contenders competing for her heart, so i've suggested doing a season of baby bachelorette. can you imagine? "choi boy, will you accept this bottle?" ha!

on their first date, kate wasn't too sure about choi boy, but he tried to ease her in by showing off his family pictures:

i'm pretty sure he's saying, "you see, kate, if you choose me, this could be *your* family, too!" :)

the second time they got together, choi boy tried to show off his dexterity by playing with kate's ball popper.


the lovely kate wasn't too impressed. after all, she's the ball popper expert that showed choi boy how to use in the first place. so instead, choi boy tried to woo her with his charm.

he was laying it on a little too thick, so we'll have to work on his game a bit. ;)

it's so fun watching choi boy hang out with all these buddies that have waited for him to come home. i can't wait to see how their playtimes will evolve as they grow up together!

a blessing in disguise {one month together}.

today marks the end of our first month together as a trio of chois. it's a little confusing because choi boy was in our arms on december 17, but we weren't home until december 20. we just might end up celebrating and recognizing both days -- because, hey, who doesn't love a little extra something to celebrate? ;)

i took choi boy to church today for the first time and i found myself incredibly nervous beforehand. i think i was so worried that it would be so overwhelming for our little guy. in part, it kinda was. you would not believe how popular choi boy was! actually, you've seen video and pictures, so maybe you would. ;) but the swarms of people that came to greet us and congratulate us was just an extra reminder of how loved our son is.

we got so many well wishes and congratulations, but from members of the korean congregation, the remark that we heard again and again was about what a blessing choi boy is. in fact, one of my parents' friends called choi boy a "bohk dung-uh-ree," which, literally translated, means a "lump of blessings." :)

and it is so true. we are so incredibly blessed to call choi boy our son. i cannot say it enough. over the last month, people who have met him have commented on his incredibly sweet and easy-going personality and his friendliness and generally happy attitude. and quite frankly, we had nothing to do with that. that's how choi boy came to us and we are so blessed by our happy little guy.

but, as i've been reflecting on this past month, something else has been creeping into my thoughts and i've slowly been ruminating on this thought as it's been rolling through and marinating in my mind.

and it's this:

our infertility was such a blessing.

i know, say what?!

i never ever, ever, ever, ever in a million zillion years thought i'd say that. but it's true.

as dark and awful as our struggles with infertility were, and as much as they will never be forgotten, they just cannot compete with the utter joy we are experiencing right now.

and the crazy part is, were it not for those struggles, we would not have this joy.

sure, we absolutely would have had joy from biological children, but we wouldn't have *this* joy with *this* child.

i do think we would have adopted even if we had biological children, but i know the timing wouldn't have worked out where we would have been matched with choi boy. so, had we not gone through what we did with our infertility, choi boy would not be our son.

and that...

is just unimaginable right now.

choi boy has just consumed our hearts and we are just bursting with love for this little one that could not be any more perfect for us. it truly is a match made in heaven. the Lord knew what He was doing and we are so grateful for that. and we are *so* grateful for choi boy's birth mother and foster family who each sacrificed and gave so much so that we could call choi boy ours.

we are SO abundantly blessed. blessed now...and as hard as it was to see it and acknowledge it, we were blessed back on that broken road that led us to choi boy. (sorry for the way cheesy rascal fl*atts reference.)

i am reminded so vividly of this:
"...weeping may endure for a night,
but joy comes in the morning."
~psalm 30:5

and since i know that now you really come here for the pictures, i'll share some choi boy joy with you. ;)


having some snack...


and savoring every bite. heehee :)


cheering for the beloved packers with daddy.


trying chick-fil-a for the first time, and much to grandpa's delight, loving it!


thinking about chomping away at spot...


and deciding to snuggle instead. :)


getting cozy in the crib (he slept like this throughout his entire nap!)

p.s. totally random side story...the hubs' favorite girl name is "joy." but he always said it would be so mean to name a girl "joy choi." since then we've jokingly said we would name our sons "roy" and "troy" so we could have a whole slew of kids with rhyming names. who knew the rhyming moniker, "choi boy" would have such meaning in our lives?? ;)

this is what cabin fever with a toddler looks like.

i know, i know, it's totally lame to do two video posts in a row, but as a new mom, i feel like it's my duty to show off my son's cuteness...and what better to show off said cuteness than to show you video of him in action?

i mean, look how at how stinkin' adorable he is!


it's been pretty chilly for the last week, so we've been cooped up indoors...which leads to much silliness. and the bouncing? all choi boy. i just had him up on my shoulders and he thought it was hilarious to bounce up there. the video was cut short because i didn't want to drop him -- i think he could have bounced for hours! ;)

hope you didn't get a bout of motion sickness from watching that!

it's never too early...

...to start chores!

choi boy insists on helping with *everything*, so why not take advantage of it? ;)

*warning* two minutes and twenty seven seconds of totally gratuitous choi boy footage ahead. please do not feel obligated to watch unless you are related to us. in the case that you are related to us, watch and be prepared for a pop quiz next time we see you. ;)



p.s. i didn't realize what a crazy task master i sounded like! usually, i'm much nicer when forcing asking for help with chores. :)

sixteen months.

it is amazing to be able to celebrate a month-a-versary with choi boy *home*. every month until now, we'd come up to the ninth, smile that our boy was growing another month older while he was loved and cared for in korea, but part of us would be so sad that we didn't have him in our arms to celebrate.

well, my friends, today is january 9th, and my sweet little boy turns 16 months today! and the best part is, i get to tell you things that he is doing/experiencing/loving as we celebrate 16 months of his life, because we are celebrating *with* him! :)

i realize that this update is probably boring for a lot of you to read through (especially since i just did an update last week!), but i thought it would be nice to document all this for the sake of posterity. so bear with me, y'all!

to celebrate our little one, here are sixteen facts about our sixteen month old:

1. he's hilarious. choi boy is so goofy and silly and does things that make us laugh all day long. among other things, he makes silly faces, imitates us and piper, puts random objects on his or our heads and gestures asking, "where'd it go?!"

this was choi boy tucking things under his chin and walking around the living room. he came and tucked a stacking ring under each of our chins and was in sheer amazement when i was able to fit TWO rings under my chin. i'm so talented. ;)

2. choi boy loves to get down and shake his groove thang. we had a family dance party the other night and he was showing off his best moves. oh, and he also has a lovely little sway for slow music.

3. he currently has 14 teeth -- 8 on top, 6 on the bottom. his bottom incisors are also just coming in and he looks a bit like a baby vampire. i tried to look his teeth tonight and he bit me. hard.

4. he's adventurous. he loves to climb and crawl under things and explore every nook and cranny.

this was at the indoor play area of our local mall. he was so busy running around and trying to get on top of everything that it was hard to snap a picture!

5. choi boy has a few words: umma; appa (still not totally solid, but getting there); mmamma (food); oh-wah (wow); jee-jee (yucky -- we use this ALL the time...see number 10 for why); a-meh (amen, after grace at mealtimes. i'm pretty certain he picked this up quickly because he knew amen = time to eat!); ko-kkee -- i think this is the beginnings of ko-kkee-rhee, which means "elephant" (because he points to his elephant humidifier and says it), but peter thinks it's go-ggi, which means "meat" (the jury is still out on this one), ppo -- translation: pororo, whom he loves. he likes to point to my laptop and say "ppo" repeatedly to get me to pull up an episode online. don't worry, he can't sit through more than 2 (5 minute) episodes!

6. he is currently in the 12th percentile for weight and 60th for height. but he's got big ol' size five feet!

see those cute little baby high top chucks? love.

7. choi boy is tough. see the bandaid on this head? yeah...he fell while reaching for something and hit his head on the floor and got a small cut. i was freaking out and nearly dialed 911, but he was fine and was laughing up a storm after the initial cry.

8. he's also super fast and it is HARD to keep up with him! he's gotten a few bumps and bruises from traveling more quickly than his feet can handle and before we can even catch him, he's down! and it makes me feel like such a bad momma every time...but he gets right back up and starts moving again!



9. he loves books! he loves to open up books and pretend to read, looking at the pictures and babbling and turning the pages. it's so sweet! and it makes this teacher's heart soar!

10. he puts EVERYTHING in his mouth. he's constantly sticking things in his mouth or licking (?!) things. oh, he also loves to stick things in his ears. oh...and up his nose. actually, he loves to stick things in any orifice on his face. is this normal??

maybe piper taught him the joys of chewing on little people?

11. choi boy also loves to cheer. he claps for himself regularly and any time anyone is cheering, he loves to join in. there's a local car dealership commercial where they chant the website name and every.time.it's.on, choi boy joins in and looks at me to start cheering, too. he had a lot of fun cheering for the packers tonight! whohoo! the hubs is convinced choi boy is a lucky charm and that we will see the pack make it to the super bowl this year. ;)

12. he is very affectionate and loves to give his stuffed animals and lovies hugs and kisses.


13. though he is generally very happy and sweet-natured, there are still times when choi boy grieves for his foster family, and understandably so. some nights, he still has some wake ups with heavy crying. it takes a few minutes to calm him down and get him to go back to sleep, but the next morning, he's all happy smiles again and ready to play.

14. and goodness, does choi boy love to play! he currently loves cruising around his little car:


15. he loves to eat. a lot. his favorite is cheese. he could literally eat gobs of it. he cries and furiously signs "more" when i tell him "all done."

and 16. he brings us SUCH joy. his laughter and smiles melt our hearts and we are crazy grateful to have him in our arms!


happy 16 months, sweet choi boy!

the first casualties.

i knew that when choi boy came home, piper would be confused by the toys that would suddenly be strewn around our house. after all, all the toys that were in the house previous to choi boy's arrival had been hers.

over the years, the amount of toys she was allowed to have drastically decreased because she would tear everything to shreds and we were tired of wasting our money on dog toys that she would annihilate within minutes. seriously, the hubs and i would take bets on how long new toys would last. i think the average survival time was 17 minutes. stuffed animals dog toys have been strictly forbidden as the pipe got into the brutal habit of beheading and mutilating them. so sad.

so, it was only a matter of time before piper got into some of choi boy's toys (how's that for rhyming?)...

yesterday, while cleaning up, here's what i found:


would you like to see some close ups of the damage?

i knew you would.

first up, we have a board book, baby signs for mealtime.

does anyone else think it's crazy that the *one* book piper decided to tear into was a book about food?! i tell you, my dog's a genius.

next, we have a wooden puzzle piece:

sadly, this had to go into the trash after i took this because it was so badly splintered.

methinks perhaps piper was trying to learn signs and shapes by way of ingestion. you know, like martha and the alphabet soup?

well, that or piper just likes chomping on wood and ripping paper.

nah, it's gotta be the former.

and finally, the little people farm horse. look closely at the mane:

i think piper was feeling a bit jealous of/inferior to the horse.

don't worry, even after all this destruction (which is just the first of much to come, i'm sure), choi boy and piper are still best buds:

i see this at least 20 times a day. it's so sweet. it's part hug, part lean, part trying to mount and ride piper.

i'm thinking of buying a small saddle. maybe piper can make up for the destruction by becoming an actual toy for choi boy.

anyone know where i can find one?